By: David Schultz

When Howard Stern moved to Sirius Satellite Radio, he became Sirius' strongest argument for attracting people away from terrestrial radio. In the last two weeks, a surprising entrant has emerged to challenge Stern as satellite radio's greatest marketing tool: David Lee Roth.

Since taking the commercial airwaves on January 3rd, Roth's inaugural broadcasts have been scatterbrained messes with little to no coherent thought being applied to the subjects discussed during the most misguided call-in show in recent history. In the absence of guests, well, to be fair, interesting guests, Roth must carry the show with his wit and charm. Instead, Roth falls back on stories of his recent exploits as a New York EMT and rehashes old grudges with Sammy Hagar and Eddie Van Halen. In 1985, when Roth oozed charisma, this might be interesting. In 2006, it's painful radio.

The majority of Roth's show revolves around his monologues on political and social issues. At the core of Roth's problems is his lack of pedigree to credibly offer opinions on many of the weighty issues he wants to discuss. Roth wants listeners to buy into the belief that he is an intelligent, thoughtful social critic without making any effort to build up such a rapport with his audience. To most listeners, David Lee Roth is an increasingly irrelevant, aging rock star. America likely cares no more for his thoughts on President Bush's policies or legislative enactments than they would about Courtney Love's views on health care or Paris Hilton's thoughts on the amendments to the tax code. Before his predecessor Howard Stern confronted politics, he had earned the trust of his audience, generally reserving his strongest, most lucid opinions for issues within his bailiwick as a performer (e.g. censorship, the FCC) or as a longtime New Yorker (e.g. daytime highway construction, living in New York after 9/11).

Roth attempts to confront and discuss a wide variety of issues on his show, inviting listeners to call in and join the discussion. When the subjects are entertainment related, especially with respect to musician's behavior, Roth is in his element, obviously having a large reservoir of knowledge on the topic. When he wants to discuss politically charged issues like the recent New York City transit strike or the war in Iraq, Roth's glib, easy answer persona fails him to miserable, horrific degrees.

When discussing weighty topics, he sounds like a moderately educated person simplistically and unconvincingly arguing about issues that are beyond the full breadth of his comprehension. In relating his views on the Iraqi War, Roth mashed his thoughts on Bush's reasons for going to war, America's conduct of the war and our continued presence in the country into one muddled, confusing argument. Before you could make an effort to parse through what Roth thought he was trying to say, Linda, one of his foils chimed in, a la Britney Spears, that she follows and believes in whatever our President does because it's wartime, he's our Commander In Chief and deserves our respect and trust without question. When a listener phoned in to chide Linda for her slavish worship, Roth dismissed the caller thanking him for calling in to humiliate himself, leaving his friend's blind allegiance unquestioned.

In the 80s, Roth showed enormous charisma and a sense of humor in his "Diamond Dave" persona. Sadly, all of those character traits are absent from his morning program. When the discussion turns to the music and entertainment industry, Roth shows glimmers of interest. Given that Van Halen continued under the same name after Sammy Hagar replaced Roth, his views on whether a Freddie Mercury-less band should still call themselves Queen had some weight behind them, even if tinged by his remaining bitterness for those who participated in Van Halen version 2.0. Similarly, when Roth confronted an author who had written a book about an extraterrestrial influence in rock and roll, Roth relied on his own experiences with egocentric musicians to express skepticism in the author's thin premise.

Unfortunately for his audience, Roth rarely stays grounded in areas he can comfortably and knowledgably discuss. An early diatribe against gun control, early in his first week on the air, typified Roth's elocutionary failures. In supporting his view that America requires better education on guns rather than gun control, Roth told a surprisingly riveting tale of a delusional ex-convict attempting to kidnap his father, a 56-year-old physician, at gunpoint. The incident, which occurred in his father's medical office, concluded with his father disarming the kidnapper with his bare hands before escaping out a back door. Throughout this story, Roth remained completely oblivious to the fact that he supported his argument for the unlimited right to purchase weapons with an anecdote involving an unarmed man in his mid-fifties (albeit with a black belt in karate) eluding a psychopathic gunman without the use of a weapon which Roth wishes everyone to have free access. Ignoring the fact that restricting weapons might have prevented his father from having one pointed at him, Roth proudly announced that he purchased a gun and slept with it under his pillow until the police captured the gunman. Regardless of whether you agree with his political views, Roth's ineptness as a political pundit or coherent social commentator predominates the entire discussion.

Unless Roth significantly improves, his time on commercial radio may be limited to how long it takes Infinity Broadcasting to figure out how to bring Adam Carolla's program over from the west coast. Somewhere in the entertainment graveyard, a crypt houses the corpses of The Chevy Chase Show and The Magic Hour. The caretaker should start preparations to receive the David Lee Roth radio program, it is arriving soon.

Labels: David Lee Roth