By: David Schultz

It might be tempting to think that Maxim has set the journalism profession back to the stone ages by reviewing the new Black Crowes album without bothering to listen to it first. Instead of crucifying the editorial staff of Maxim, perhaps, we should be hailing them as visionaries. Without being shackled with the burden of having to, you know, listen to or experience a work of art before setting forth your opinions, Maxim may very well have come up with the most liberating idea of this generation. With that in mind, here are Earvolution’s Maxim Reviews.

Guns N’ Roses: Chinese Democracy

The urgency that was once so omnipresent in Axl Rose’s voice seems to be gone and the cornrowed singer has never sounded so relaxed and measured. It’s as if he felt no rush to plow through the songs and there’s a professionalism and timeliness to the music that was absent from their prior work. The pro-Gore lyrics and Y2K references are as sublime as they are timeless. Chinese Democracy is simply a monument to the power of anticipation.

The Next J.D. Salinger Novel

Salinger’s long awaited novel is an intricately plotted yet baffling tale of a 5 year old prodigy who spends his days sitting alone in a room successfully predicting stocks and NASCAR race winners. The story takes an intriguing turn when the child’s father, Holden Caulfield, returns home from a jazz club and spends the night chattering away about phonies and the genius of Miles Davis. It’s what Salinger doesn’t say that resounds loudest.

The Led Zeppelin Reunion Tour

Taking to the road for a three year run of shows that will include ever single known drummer on the planet filling in for John Bonham, the surviving members of Led Zeppelin really put on a great show, worth every penny of the record-setting $435 ticket price. The most anticipated reunion tour of all time hardly disappoints: Zeppelin foregoes playing on a traditional platform in favor of using the mountains of money they're earning for getting back together as a stage. It’s been a long time since they’ve rock and rolled and they glitter like gold. I’m glad I didn’t have to wait around for them to be able to write about this.

The New Season of 24

Characters change allegiances on 24 with the same frequency as WWE wrestlers. Having run out of living characters to turn against Jack Bauer, Tony Almeda is resurrected from the grave to do battle with America’s favorite counterterrorism agent. The writers strike may have delayed the upcoming season but like always, it seems as if they’re making up the plot as they go along. Kiefer Sutherland’s ultimate victory is once again a surprising, unpredictable turn of events, although one has to wonder if the writers are running out of enemies when they have Bauer fighting evildoers from the fearsome Tahitian empire.

Martin Scorsese’s Bob Marley Documentary

After capturing the historical essence of Bob Dylan and the grandeur of the Rolling Stones, Scorsese seems to miss the humorous side of Bob Marley by focusing instead on his importance within the world of reggae. By wasting time on Marley’s iconic status, worldwide significance and devotion to his family, Scorsese omits what surely were some wacky times while the reggae superstar smoked his herb and chilled with his friends. Scorsese could have revitalized the Cheech & Chong genre but crafted a respectful and insightful documentary instead. A misfire in all regards.